I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize