if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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