if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
