We won't sleep together?
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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