I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize