We named our party play list daddy issues
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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