he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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