Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
