what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
