Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You made out with two different species that night
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
