I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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