If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
