I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He passed out mid-signature
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
