Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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