we have officially lost it.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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