3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
