First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
