omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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