I like to think it a success when the cops are called
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
