i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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