maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
