just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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