Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
