U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
