I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
porn star boner night. come get it.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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