I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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