The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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