Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
