In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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