Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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