I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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