1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
