I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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