If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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