I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
