I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
