Say something about gay babies.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
