I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
