I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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