Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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