Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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