I want to make a zoo with you.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Randomize
