dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
