Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
