Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
