Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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