I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
