I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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