This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
