i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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