I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
