You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
