Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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