Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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