Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
