im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
